Progression

 

It’s been twenty days since I last wrote.

“Sometimes I am so aware that just being alive is a miracle. Some moments I just sit and think about what it means and feels like to be conscious and feel my thoughts running and how I am breathing and seeing. And my mind runs over all these possibilities and instances and dreams that I have, some of which I need to let go.  What does it even mean to be your own person? It’s crazy that no one else looks out from behind my eyes, my brain is simply and complicatedly mine. My memories are mine and no one else will remember them. Thinking of the uniqueness of my existence brings a somewhat unsettling feeling, quite existential.  And at the same time, it connects me to my own humanness.  How I am one in a billion, seeking something out of life, to be known and loved and cared for and understood.  Just one set of eyes looking and seeking and experiencing.” 

I’ve been really careful with myself in the past twenty days, on account of the delicate position that I now find myself in. But for some reason, I disregarded that this morning and reread things I had written thus far in 2016. And in my true form, I cried.

I still feel the pain, uncertainty, unease that I felt twenty days ago. I’m still seeking acceptance, clarity and peace. My old words sounded like things I said yesterday.

Then someone pointed out to me that that’s the nature of this, of living. You make progress and you fall back. And then you make more progress.

I was so quick to judge myself, and I seemed to momentarily forget the small steps forward I’ve made. I’ve had second interviews and phone calls, I painted my entire room by myself for goodness sake.  I’m slowly getting better at spending time alone again, the pain in my gut occurs less frequently, and I even had chili for dinner. Twice.

My words from twenty days ago still profoundly represent where I am now, only now I am twenty days older. Maybe a little more understanding. Maybe a little more patient.

It’s not happening all at once and that’s okay because that’s not how progress works.

 

 

Emotions, Feelings, and Other Ramblings

In an attempt to keep my blog and journaling more consistent, I figured it is high time I pay a little attention to this online space. It seems that with each New Year, I make an effort to keep my journaling more regular, and although I haven’t been extremely successful at doing so, I’ve been better than past attempts. So here I am trying to translate that on here.

In the past six weeks, I’ve experienced just about every emotion you could possibly imagine. And about 97% of it has been positive, hopeful. It hasn’t been until this week that the other 3% percent has filtered itself into my consciousness.

I am doing exactly what I’ve been dreaming of since I started college. I’m working at a fun job I love, living at home (hi Mom and Dad), and spending my days off reading and writing and thinking and staying out late and feeling like the young person I am.  It’s exhilarating to leave behind deadlines and pressure and expectations. At this point, all of those things are up to me. This new found freedom can either be overwhelming or life giving. Given my past tendencies towards anxiety, I am thankful that I’ve found myself to be loving every second of this time.

But there still are moments when I let it all get to me.  I overthink, over analyze, let fear paralyze me, the unknown overwhelm me, the uncertainty take over my mind. I’ve cried, but I’ve also moved past those feelings.

For a while, my days were going over quite peachy keen. I knew something had to give, life can’t be this easy breezy forever. And man oh man was I right. This past week, I’ve had to deal with a negative presence that has stayed passed its expiration date. I’ve learned how to handle these obstacles with grace, how to be strong and rational, and not lean on my emotions to direct my actions. Although I am eager to turn the other cheek and continue into this new season of life without the aforementioned negative presence, I have grown in my sense of self, my personal preferences, and how to deal with unwelcome situations. I guess you could call that growing pains.

I think at this point, I can’t assume how my life will turn out, how certain situations will play out, what will happen next. In past, I’ve always taken the idealistic approach, but I think now my inclination is towards the worst possible outcome. But I’m working through all those thoughts to arrive at a place where I am unassuming, ready to accept any outcome. And perhaps that will happen today, or tomorrow, or maybe not until next week. But at least I am trying.

photo by @hannahmorgan

byhannahmorgan.com

Giving Thanks 2015

We all headed up to Tahoe for Thanksgiving this year, we were met with the most beautiful white and snowy weather I could have ever imagined. Spending the long weekend with family, in a beautiful place, relaxing and going for snowy walks was such a treat.

 

 

 

 

 

State of the Union

And by the Union, I mean me.  Week 3 of the quarter ended yesterday, and so far I’ve been able to keep my head above water, despite taking 21 units.  People are usually shocked I’m taking so many units, and I have to admit it’s very reading heavy, but I am taking interesting classes and have 4 units that’s fully up to my creative discretion. I can’t really complain, I’m really enjoying all my classes and the work load is a lot but I’m doing my best to relish in it as long as I can.  It also doesn’t hurt that 21 is one of my lucky numbers.

For those who don’t know, I’ll be graduating two quarters early this December.  I think with a lot of big life changes, they don’t seem real. I’m not necessarily scared about my impending graduation, I’ve found that student life doesn’t really suit me, although I’m a total nerd and love learning. I feel like I’m being really thorough in my life here in Davis, from school to taking moments to enjoy my surroundings as often as possible. I don’t have a plan for life afterwards, but for once in my life I’m not entirely scared of this idea. This TedTalk made me feel better about my potential.  I am actually feeling my youth more than I have before; usually I associate myself with a granny, but in actuality I’m amazed at how much I can do, and that is actually pretty dang exciting. I’m also v blessed to have those opportunities and I don’t want to waste that.

Let’s take a sec to talk about classes, but I’ll keep it brief so my nerdiness doesn’t get too out of hand. I’m taking a history seminar on U.S. colonialism, a history class on the U.S. in the 1960s, an introductory statistics class, journalism, and my art independent study.  The two history classes are very interesting and I don’t mind the reading (which includes a book a week for my seminar). I’ve realized what it is about history I love so much; it’s extremely nostalgic, which means sometimes it’s melancholy, but I love reflecting on the past and being inspired by it. Statistics is okay, and I do enjoy finding the exact answers for math and I honestly love charts (weird I know), so I’m not hating it! Journalism is really cool so far, I think it’s the most applicable to a future career with its focus on freelance writing. I’m working on a few assignments that I’m excited to write and possibly share on the blog! And lastly, my independent study project is something I’m really excited about; I’ve collected film and images from my year abroad and I’m compiling them in a photographic book.

School aside, life doesn’t look too bad for me.  I’ve felt a lot calmer and very organized.  There’s a lot ahead of me, but my personal motto for this time in life is one step at a time.

And because I haven’t posted in weeks, enjoy the plethora of photos. Thanks for tuning in and let’s cross our fingers the next post will be sooner rather than later. As always, you can follow on Instagram, Tumblr, and Pinterest.

Disposable

 Film from Sam’s disposable from their trip across the pond xx

Nineteen // de la Dream

Hey hey, it’s December 12th and y’all know what that means…it’s this dreamy boy’s birthday! Happiest day of birth to the best Sam I know (trust me I know a lot) I put together a lil’ something of a lil’ something for today, which you get to open in TWO WEEKS! Miss you love you see ya soon all of the above a million times over.