In an attempt to keep my blog and journaling more consistent, I figured it is high time I pay a little attention to this online space. It seems that with each New Year, I make an effort to keep my journaling more regular, and although I haven’t been extremely successful at doing so, I’ve been better than past attempts. So here I am trying to translate that on here.
In the past six weeks, I’ve experienced just about every emotion you could possibly imagine. And about 97% of it has been positive, hopeful. It hasn’t been until this week that the other 3% percent has filtered itself into my consciousness.
I am doing exactly what I’ve been dreaming of since I started college. I’m working at a fun job I love, living at home (hi Mom and Dad), and spending my days off reading and writing and thinking and staying out late and feeling like the young person I am. It’s exhilarating to leave behind deadlines and pressure and expectations. At this point, all of those things are up to me. This new found freedom can either be overwhelming or life giving. Given my past tendencies towards anxiety, I am thankful that I’ve found myself to be loving every second of this time.
But there still are moments when I let it all get to me. I overthink, over analyze, let fear paralyze me, the unknown overwhelm me, the uncertainty take over my mind. I’ve cried, but I’ve also moved past those feelings.
For a while, my days were going over quite peachy keen. I knew something had to give, life can’t be this easy breezy forever. And man oh man was I right. This past week, I’ve had to deal with a negative presence that has stayed passed its expiration date. I’ve learned how to handle these obstacles with grace, how to be strong and rational, and not lean on my emotions to direct my actions. Although I am eager to turn the other cheek and continue into this new season of life without the aforementioned negative presence, I have grown in my sense of self, my personal preferences, and how to deal with unwelcome situations. I guess you could call that growing pains.
I think at this point, I can’t assume how my life will turn out, how certain situations will play out, what will happen next. In past, I’ve always taken the idealistic approach, but I think now my inclination is towards the worst possible outcome. But I’m working through all those thoughts to arrive at a place where I am unassuming, ready to accept any outcome. And perhaps that will happen today, or tomorrow, or maybe not until next week. But at least I am trying.